House of Pain

First of all, I’m not in pain. Not because I’m perfectly fine, but because of the semantics of the phrase. 

In pain? In… pain? What… what are people even talking about?

Pain, I think, isn’t a location.

It’s not a place.

It isn’t this false refuge where I can get tricked into getting in. It may seem like a quasi-demolished building with an “I promise you’re safe with me, don’t worry” sign out in front, and an “I’ll treat you how you deserve to be treated” sign on the back. 

It could very well be. The implications are explicit enough, that’s for certain. 

However, it isn’t. 

It may seem like a pool of sorrow without the letters “No Diving” surrounding its borders. 

It sounds accurate, but it isn’t that either. 

It may seem like this structure, this downtrodden chamber, this deteriorating cavity that I can just casually enter and exit. 

It isn’t that simple. It never is, and it never will be.

I’m obviously not in pain. I… can’t even be IN pain. I’m as healthy physically as I’ve ever been in my life. 

But something isn’t right. Something is plaguing my core, my soul, my being. It’s not death. It’s not an illness, and it’s not an injury. It may not even be as severe as I make it out to be, but it’s plaguing my spirit.

-----

I, am, cold. 

No, I’m not shivering, and no, I don’t need a sweater. I’m not sick, and I’m not leaning against a block of ice. But I am cold. Every time I take a deep breath, I feel as if my stream of blood is nearly frozen. The walls of my veins are numb. They are completely and utterly numb, asleep and lifeless.

Have you ever gotten hit in one place, over and over, and over, and over… and over, and over again, only to lose feeling in that particular place?

… what would your reaction be if the numbness spread throughout the rest of your body?

My heart… my heart seems to be an agent for this. 

It’s no longer focusing on making sure that my red blood cells get a sufficient amount of oxygen. That’s a secondary goal now. No no no, its primary function is to spread this numbing blood through every single vein in my body, to contract each one of my muscles, to clip, snip, and slowly torture my other organs while I’m numb.

So, I try to focus on other issues that plague me, like my back, or my ankles. Do I honestly think that a small, physical pain can wage a war against my emotional surplus of troops? How naïve can I get? I’m using something as small as a handkerchief to cover a mammoth, a huge, towering, menacing mammoth.

So… where’s the help coming from? Where’s my doctor, my helping hand, the savior of this numbness? Who else is going to heal me, but Time? Time, in a white, spotless lab coat, with 3 pens in His front pocket, and a clipboard with my full diagnosis and prognosis, is going to heal me.

But… where IS he? Where is my savior? Why isn’t he here?

I’ve been so patient… my character has become synonymous with patience, synonymous with hope and optimism, because I had a reason. I had the prospect of Time, coming to my rescue.

He’s disappeared.

… how am I supposed to act? And, in a hypothetical situation, what if Time DOES come around? How can I expect Him to help me? When he asks, “What seems to be the problem?” what am I supposed to say? “I can’t feel pain… and I’m in pain as a result.”

He’ll mull it over. He won’t know how to respond.

“You can’t feel pain… and you’re in pain as a result… hm…”

And he’ll repeat Himself again.

“You can’t feel PAIN… and you’re IN PAIN as a result… hmm…”

And we’re both frustrated now, because… where’s the help? I don’t understand this paradox; I don’t understand why anyone would want to go through the concept of something as horrid as pain. He doesn’t understand the paradox, and how helping me… would even really help.

“YOU CAN’T FEEL PAIN? SO YOU’RE FEELING PAIN? WHAT IS… WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU AN IDIOT?!”

…so he leaves. He leaves, and I’m all alone, all over again.

I shouldn’t be. But, at this point, I am.

-----

I think, and I think, and I think as I fight back tears, and I ask myself, “Is… this a disease?” I mean, I give it thought, and realize that I haven’t done anything to deserve this. Karma isn’t a proponent of my lack of emotion. It’s a disease that sneaks up on you and ensnares you until the very essence of your being is reduced to a pinch of soil in a rainforest that’s being demolished.

I sincerely believe that I don’t deserve this. Cancer victims usually smoke. AIDS victims may have unprotected sex, or they may share needles. I haven’t earned my numbness. I haven’t earned this disease, this nausea. So why is this happening to me?

And if I can’t feel pain… why am I even bothering myself about it? Why am I complaining about it?

“Hey, you can’t feel pain? That’s awesome, I hate getting hurt.”

No.

First, the pain is there. It’s definitely there, whether I feel it or not.

But that’s not the important part.

It’s that the one person other than Time, who can make all of the pain go away, doesn’t realize that the pain is real, and that the pain is affecting me.

This is the one person who can make the pain go away with a bat of her eyelashes.

She refuses to blink.

This is the one person who can make the pain go away with a giggle.

She refuses to smile.

This is the one and only person who can make the pain go away by just being there for me.

She refuses. She’s preoccupied with Time, the other agent of abandon.

And sadly, it seems that all I can hang on to are my beautiful, wonderful memories. But they’re growing dimmer, and dimmer, and dimmer.

And dimmer…

… and dimmer.

I cannot stroll through memory lane without watching it get destroyed before my very eyes. The sidewalks that I’ve walked with her hand-in-hand are cracking. The corners where I’ve played with her hair are eliminated every time that a stoplight goes from green to red, without a yellow. And the roads where I’ve hugged her, kissed her, and have told her that I loved her are being shattered, smashed, and wrecked. 

It’s the eminent domain of her wandering soul.

It’s innocent carelessness. But innocence is not always harmless.

But how can anyone truly determine that, when anger negotiates with the heart before reason has a chance to make its case?

The answer would be through love.

But… do love and reason ever truly correlate in a harmonious fashion?

-----

I guess it boils down to pain.

Pain isn’t an area that one can go to. To many, it seems like one can be shrouded in pain. Some may even believe that pain can take the form of a fiery tornado that engulfs you in the doldrums.

Pain is not a cyclone of embers.

Pain, if I had to define it, is an agent. Pain is an actor, a player on the stage of a beating heart. Pain is a little, tiny, spiteful seed that is planted inside of you when you’re vulnerable enough. And pain is irrational and stubborn; once it takes refuge inside of you, it will be nearly impossible to escort it out without replacing it with a distinct type of pain.

Sure, you can never be IN pain…

… but pain can be found inside of us.

But no matter how much pain is ever present in your heart, no matter how much sorrow is assaulting your soul, you will always have a guardian. Love will keep you safe, as long as you trust it to not betray you for pain. It’s ultimately better to harbor love over resent.

I may be cold. I may be numb. I may be waiting for Time. I may be hurting. I may be craving appreciation. And I may be housing pain.

But I trust my heart. I trust her so much. And I know she can shoo the pain away.

Permanently. 

… and I’m hoping that she will.

lol, can't get enough,

- Barack Obama added you as a friend

- Barack Obama made you a mixtape

- Barack Obama laughed at your joke

- Barack Obama lent you his jacket

- Barack Obama paid your speeding ticket

- Barack Obama poured you a cup of coffee

- Barack Obama baked you a pie

- Barack Obama gave you a puppy

- Barack Obama escorted your gramma across the street

- Barack Obama left a comment on your blog

- Barack Obama set your voice as his ringtone

- Barack Obama has a balloon for you

- Barack Obama respects your opinion

- Barack Obama wanted you to have some cupcakes

- Barack Obama came to see your play

- Barack Obama followed you on Twitter

- Barack Obama folded you an origami crane

- Barack Obama emailed your dad and told him how great you are

- Barack Obama lives next door to your mum

- Barack Obama carries a picture of you in his wallet

- Barack Obama warmed up your car for you

- Barack Obama drew your picture in the sand

- Barack Obama favorited your photo

- Barack Obama thinks you are cute

- Barack Obama skated all the way here from the beach just to see you

- Barack Obama told me to tell you hello

- Barack Obama subscribed to your feed

- Barack Obama wrote on your funwall

- Barack Obama carried your bookbag

- Barack Obama took off when he heard you weren’t coming

- Barack Obama bookmarked your website

- Barack Obama mailed you a valentine

- Barack Obama thought you could use some chocolate

- Barack Obama picked you up at the airport

- Barack Obama sang you the Happy Birthday song on your voicemail

- Barack Obama saved his dessert for you

- Barack Obama bought you candy

- Barack Obama held your hand when you were frightened

- Barack Obama recited a poem that reminded him of you

- Barack Obama laughed at your joke

- Barack Obama folded your laundry

- Barack Obama parsed your error

- Barack Obama subscribed to your feed

- Barack Obama sent you flowers

- Barack Obama said he really wanted to meet you

- Barack Obama dedicated a song to you

- Barack Obama spent the afternoon setting up your router

- Barack Obama helped you move a sofa

- Barack Obama built you a robot

- Barack Obama made up your bed

- Barack Obama fixed your car

- Barack Obama listened to your mp3

- Barack Obama is your new bicycle

- Barack Obama rescued you from drowning

- Barack Obama loves your laugh

- Barack Obama remembered your birthday

- Barack Obama offered you his seat

Goodbama, Obadma

Goodbama:

http://barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com/

Obadma:

http://barackobamastoleyournewbicycle.com/

A dissertation on existentialism,

 

Back on this...

Life summary in 3 sentences:

I'm on two waiting lists for college, and if I'm not accepted in either, I'll have to do the Honors College in Miami Dade. Furthermore, Julie is in Jordan until August 9th, which makes me sad. Finally, I'm working at NSF this summer for a week.

-sigh-

I'll try to update.

Haven't updated in a while,

Things are fine.

I didn't get accepted into UF, so I guess I'm staying in Miami. Miguel and I broke in Duo at Harvard; Octos. I have NFL Debate Qualifiers this weekend, and the State competition the next.

I'm still with Julie, and that brightens my heart tremendously.

Anyway, today is an Early Release, so... I'll probably update more later. I'm just shaking the rust off of the blog.

Later.

Things are picking up,

Julie and I are hunky dorky again, today is an early release, and I just made an awesome flyer for my Digital Design class.

And I get to see Julie in ten minutes, which is great.

However, I'm still contemplating on whether I should go to weight training today or not.

-hmm-

hm,

My feelings are indescribable at the moment.

I'm not sad anymore because Julie is talking to me again, however... I'm not happy, and I think that's because I feel a substantial lack of reciprocity.

I feel like I'm not good enough.

I've had,

the,

worst,

day,

ever.

Julie won't talk to me, all because of a stupid reason. I'm dying. I've cried my heart out. I haven't cried since my grandmother passed nearly 2 years ago. My eyes hurt. My heart is beating at an abnormally fast pace. I'm breathing heavily. I haven't laughed since Julie told me she didn't want to talk to me.

She won't accept my apologies. I'm scared. Super, super scared.

It's too early for a stupid tussle to destroy me like this. It's way too early.

-sigh-

I just hope I can sleep without crying.

... I just hope I can sleep at all.

*EDIT* Novice States in April '07 was the only time between my grandmother's passing and Tuesday that I cried.

Amazing,

Lord Rataxes (sometimes just Rataxes) is a fictional rhinoceros who is a character in the Babar universe. Although he is the monarch de jure of his kingdom, called Rhino Land, his more intelligent wife, Lady Rataxes is the de facto ruler. He is often surrounded by his rhinoceros guards. These guards also keep watch for cars, to collect tolls on the roads that pass through the kingdom. It is said that King Rataxes got his name from these tolls, so it is questionable if "Rataxes" is his real name or a sobriquet. King Rataxes also has a son, Victor (who is, in fact, close friends with Babar's children), and is attended by a servant, Basil, who is also his advisor (and is often seen as being wiser and much more competent than Rataxes, and thus often is one that gets things done in the kingdom). Basil and the other rhinos show much loyalty to Rataxes, though they will sometimes run away and leave him to face a situation alone if they feel threatened or overwhelemed. Under the rule of King Rataxes, Celestville and Rhino Land have occasionally gone to war with each other, though peace is restored before much damage or casualties are suffered.
The rhino army is under the command of Rataxes (and the elephant army under the command of King Babar). The two countries have also been known to work together against common threats, such as when the area is infiltrated by poachers, and the two will help each other during times of need or crisis. In the television series, after working together to defend the region against a group of poachers (including the one who shot Babar's mother), the two countries, along with other nearby animal-controlled territories, form a "united jungle coalition", a concept similar to the United Nations, which prevents to outbreak of major conflicts between the animal countries thereafter. The militaries of the countries are considered simple and rely mostly on simple hand weaponry, such as spears and staffs. Guns are strictly forbidden by all the animals, due to their disgust with the poachers who would use the weapons. Not even Rataxes dares to think of arming his country with such things, after seeing their effects first-hand.
Rhino Land is made up of primarily jungle terrority, and borders neighboring Celesteville (presumably somewhere in Africa). The capital city of Rhino Land consists mainly of large stone pyramid structures, which house most government offices, as well as the Rataxes living quarters, and quarters for the army, along with a series of storge facilities and dungeons. Much of the rhino population live in houses and structures nearby. Though perhaps not as technologically or culturally "refined" as their elephant counterparts, the rhinos are all fairly educated, and both Lord and Lady Rataxes do care for the safety and well-being of their citizens, and will go to great lengths to help them, even if it sometimes means asking their elephant counterparts for assistance.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Rataxes

Voytek, the Soldier Bear,

So, I'm currently sitting in my Digital Design class, doing some research, and I come across a story of an "Iranian bear" who served as an actual Polish soldier around the 1940s.

Ridiculous? Definitely.

-sigh-

Hanging out with her best friend = no time to talk.

Eh, I'll see her tomorrow, and that's fine with me.

So,

Today, January 25th, 2008 @ 2:37 PM, I asked Julie Ghazi out.

She nodded her head, hugged me, and smiled.

I'm extremely looking forward to making this relationship work. I've never been looking forward to having a relationship more, and I'm honestly saying that.

And I get to see her tomorrow!

Thank goodness for happiness, hope, and an amazing girlfriend.

Today, today, today,

... has already gotten off to a good start.

I saw Julie before the 7:15 bell rang and I walked her to class. I'm pretty much incredibly happy at the moment, AND we have a substitute for Ms. Perez.

My only complaint is that Lunch is too far away.

Additionally, I've developed a really bad habit regarding skipping classes. The only classes I wouldn't skip are Economics, and English IV.

But today is the day. Commitment, commitment, commitment.

Just a few more hours to go.

Well,

Julie Ghazi woke up, but now it's MY turn to go to bed.

-sigh-

'till tomorrow.

Agh,

It's 7:05, and Julie Ghazi is still sleeping.

Maybe she'll sleep through tomorrow... unless her mom wakes her up for dinner, or something.

Debate, debate, debate...

Me: Run theory on my parents

Nicole Satar: lmao

Nicole Satar: then your parents turn around and whip out T cards

Me: interp: i need money, violation: you're not paying me

Nicole Satar: parents: education, u get more if i dont pay u because u learn how to prioritize your financial desires

Me: PERM, you get more education on my side because i get to partake in an educational activity, AND learn how to prioritize financial desires regarding food and souvenirs

Nicole Satar: Turn: u get more education learning how to get the money on your own, which gets u the activity AND the prioritizing food/souvenir impact

Me: TURN: manipulating my parents teaches me how to get money and helps establish character for a political career, something in which i can GET money, food & souvenir nu

Nicole Satar: TURN: you gain poilitical power by lobbying interests groups, COUNTERPLAN: manipulate your debate team and coaches who support the activity, that's whats going to help u gain realistic poltical power

Me: PERM AGAIN, i can manipulate my parents and debate team/coaches and double my monetary outcomes, no harms are coming out of my advocacy, so no offense is coming out of the turn

^ Debate has ruined my life.

It continues,

So I was right in me overreacting today regarding not seeing Julie in the morning.

-sigh-

I saw her at Lunch, and we just sat together, but I didn't really talk because I had no idea what to say, and she became sad because she felt guilty regarding this morning. As I walked her to her 4th period, I explained my vulnerability to her, and she just apologized for not being able to make it, and I told her it was okay. I left her at her 4th, went to my class, saw her on her way to 5th, went to mine, saw her in 6th period, went to Bernabei's with her, spent time together, walked her to her bus, said goodbye, and waited for my mom.

Now she's taking a nap because she's exhausted, and I'm supposed to wake her at 6:00PM with an array of text messages.

I don't think I can wait any longer. I want to make it a definite thing.

I want the commitment.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

The doldrums,

I'm at the stage where I'm vulnerable to the smallest things, and this has the potential to seriously destroy me. I feel like Julie is drifting away, and I'm scared. I've barely spoken to her this morning, and I waited for her to come, but she didn't, and she didn't come yesterday either. I don't feel like asking her why she's not doing this, and if I don't go out of my way to ask... I don't even think she would care. I'm a mess at the moment, and the worse part of it all is that I had a horrible nightmare about me losing her. I'm seriously hoping that wasn't foreshadowing, hopefully it was just a dream. But I think I just need to give her space, which is something I'm reluctant to do because there's nothing I enjoy more than her company.

I'm already off to a bad start, and we're not even 5 minutes into the school day.

Additionally, I have no one to talk to, which is just making this entire ordeal worse. I'm overreacting, I know I am. But I'm completely vulnerable. My guard is completely open and if something happens, I'll be crushed.

Maybe lunch will be different, but for now, I just want to not be like this. I just don't.

Crap,

So I think Julie is upset at me because I'm 'mean' to my novices.

Whatever.

Let's see,

I'm actually writing in my blog (something I'm going to be doing a lot of as I find that there's nothing to do online).

I'm really starting to lose my patience. This weekend, I'm thinking of committing myself for sure. I like Julie too much to stay single and I'm positive of this. I might even ask her out on Friday... but this is driving me absolutely crazy. It feels like I can't really talk to her about anything else because I need to ask her out... I'm not making much sense, but that's how it feels. It's like anything ELSE isn't as important as jumping into a relationship, but I know she likes to move slow, and I don't want to coerce her into anything.

I just want to be with her. One day, I'm going to regret writing all of this, but... I want to be with her, and that's that. I don't want anyone else. No one else really matters, and I'm happy that I'm feeling like this. Now I can be faithful, now I can give her all of my attention and treat her how I've wanted to treat someone for a while now.

But, I fear that I'm becoming a little too obsessed. I really want to keep my feelings under control and subdue them a little, but it's not easy for me.

-sigh-

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Additionally,

I'm actually dying to be in a relationship.

I mean... we hold hands, I walk her to class, I walk her to her bus, and I've fallen ridiculously for her, and this hasn't happened to me for a while now...

Hopefully my wish will come true, very, very soon. I just need the right timing.

Anyway,

I really don't know what the purpose of this blog is going to be. I'm either going to use it to give updates on debate tournaments/life, or just use it to talk about how amazing Julie Ghazi is, considering that I can't really rant about how great she is to my friends without annoying them, considering I don't ever shut up about her.

Oh man!

I just noticed that my birthday is 2 months from now!

Awesome.

I'm willing to bet money...

... that this blog won't last, and that it'll die a fiery, electronic death.

I guess we'll see.